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%Harley Quinn%

"I don't know how to drive stick." I say flatly, eyeing inside the car warily.

Joker rolled his eyes at me, leaning on the open door, "'Course ya do."

"I really don't-" I laugh shakily at myself "- I didn't even have a driver's license until four years ago... that was one helluva process.."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I didn't have a proper birth certificate when I went to the DMV. Got burned in some sort of dormitory fire- at least that's what Jack told me." Joker gave me a puzzled look.

"Shouldn't you be able to decide that for yourself? I mean- shouldn't you be able to remember a fire that caused so much trouble for you?"

"That's the problem, isn't it? I should- " I slide into the driver's seat and slam the door "- but I can't." I said more to myself more than anyone else.

Joker swung open the door on the side opposite and slid in while chuckling under his breath. "You know what I love?"

"What?" I say wrapping my hands over the steering wheel, clutching it so hard that the skin on my knuckles were turning white.

"I love that you are sitting in the drivers seat regardless of your skills with the stick shift." He says with the quirk of an eyebrow.

"D'you wanna switch?" I ask relaxing my hands.

"Nah, I'll just teach you."

"You'll... what?" Oh damn. Not here, not now...

"Teach you? Which word are you having troubles with? Teach or you?"

But I wasn't listening anymore; I was starting to remember- and something that has been long since forgotten.

I sat on the floor with my head in Selina's lap. She was twirling my hair in her fingers as I cried; It was a feeling that was something of a comfort to me- Jason always would do that when I was nervous or scared, and at the moment I was both.

"Harley, Harley... Jason will be okay. He just got knocked out... the doctors will be able to fix him. He'll be fine. He'll be fine." She cooed in my ear.

"It's all my fault! If I would have just listened to the damn driving lessons he was giving me-" I balled up my fists in anger "- instead of fantasizing about making out with him I would've never wrecked the car!" I wailed.

"It's going to be alright. It isn't your fault. Anyone who looks at Jason just wants to make out with him. If anything it's your own fault for being too damn cute, and catching his eye." She rationalized.

Selina slipped her hands under my arms and pulled me into her lap and onto the couch in the gray-on-gray waiting room in the lobby of Gotham General Hospital. I scooted up so that I was laying on the couch with my legs dangling over Selina's lap. I flung my arm over my eyes dramatically.

"He's going to be totally fine. I've gotten worse injuries falling out of a tree- remember when I was twelve and I tried to climb up that really uber tall tree in the schoolyard and fell out, broke my arm, knocked myself and Joesph out because I fell on him?" Selina said playing with the hem of my pants.

"Oh my god, was that hilarious! Well, it would have been funnier if you didn't fall out and break your arm, Kit-kat." I heard the voice that was like air to me- the voice that I was praying to hear again- and flung my arm from over my eyes.

"Jason! Oh my goodness! Are you okay? I'm so sorry!" I flung myself off of the couch and into his arms. "I should have listened to you- I am so awful with stick shifts, you got hurt! I'm so, so, so, Sorry! I will never ever, ever, forgive myself!" I was sobbing now staining his green t-shirt with tear marks.

"Whoa, whoa! Cool your tits, woman. I am completely fine. If I wasn't, well, I wouldn't be here letting you snot on my shirt. I would be in the morgue, okay? So calm down."

"I guess so... Rather a crude way to tell me that you're fine... but that's you. Also, cool my tits? Seriously?" Selina laughed in the background.

"Yes, seriously. Now look at me. I wanna see your beautiful face." Jason said sickeningly sweet-like. I shoved my face harder into his chest, knowing that my face was not beautiful right now.

"Oh, come now Harley. Just let me look at you."

I heaved a sigh, knowing that if I didn't relent Jason would just do what he pleased. I tipped my head back and looked into his bright green eyes, alive with plans of possible- and upcoming- adventures...

In the present, my head snapped over to where Joker sat playing with one of his switchblades, flicking the sharp end in and out. His bight, mischievous eyes fixed on me.
A pair of bright green eyes that were now disturbingly, hauntingly, familiar to me.

I gulped. "Whatcha you doin'?" I ask, my voice sounding vulnerable and hoarse.

"Playing with knives, while you mumble to yourself about some boy named Jason." Joker wiggled in his chair "Whose he?"

"Nobody. Just a figment of my imagination." I say distastefully.


God. Damn. It.

Why can't she just get it already?

It isn't like it's that hard to remember. It was only like, ten years ago.

"Get out." I say plainly.

"What? Was that the wrong answer?"

"Yes. Get out."

"Why should I?" Harley says stubbornly.

"Because I have twenty eight knives,one razor blade, and I think a potato peeler in different places on me right now." I shrug my shoulders.

"You wouldn't cut me."

I thought for a minute about that sentence. "Interesting, you didn't say that I wouldn't hurt you. Just that I wouldn't cut you. Why?"

"Who's the psychologist now?"

"Still you. Answer the question."

"Because there are a lot more things you can do to me besides physical harm to hurt me."

"Like what?"

"Push me away." Harley says averting her eyes.

"Now why would I push you away?"

"You already have."

"I only told you to get out because I want to drive. I don't want you wrecking my brand new car." I lie.

Harley misses a beat in our banter, tugging on a strand of her hair and twirling it nervously in her fingers.



"Why did you come to the warehouse in the first place?"

Her crystal like blue eyes fill with tears.

"I-I don't know, I think... I think the original plan was that I wanted to thank you for dealing with Jack."

I opened my mouth to say something, but was cut off by a scraping noise coming from the drivers seat of the car, followed by seven quick raps on the window.

I made a growling noise low in my throat. I could alredy tell who was on the other side without even looking through the tinted windows.

"Eddie." I hissed between clenched teeth. "Drive, drive, drive!" I command Harley.

She fumbles with the controls for a moment, then she revs the engine.
She turns her head over to me, with a triumphant look about her, as the driver window starts to roll down and the engine stalls. Shoulda guessed.

"You know, I wasn't quite sure that this was your car, Joker. But the electric yellow with purple and green smiley faces really did it in for me- y'know, along with all the other factors. Such as it being in the front parking lot of your extremely infamous warehouse, the license plate that reads S-l-@-r-M-c-n, and the little bit of blue tarp that is soaked with blood hanging out of this-" Eddie paused and rubbed his long question-mark shaped cane along the side of the BMW. "-impressive specimine of a car's trunk." Eddie poked his head into the cab of the two seater sports car, looking extremely pleased with himself. He wore a pair of green tinted rectangle glasses and you could see the beginnings of a lime green dress shirt with yellow question marks patterned on the wrinkled fabric.

"Well, I am the Joker. I put the laughter in slaughter." I expected Ed to laugh at that one; but instead he scooted his glasses to the bride of his nose and was flicking his chocolate colored eyes between Harley and me. You could almost hear his thought processes. I was sure he had already figured out who she was. Stupid smart people.

"Well, hello gorgeous. What's a dame like you doing hanging around with a crowd like Joker's?"

"I- um- I...?" Harley fumbled over her words, Eddie just laughed.

"It's alright Harleen,-" Eddie pointed his finger at me "- taking your therapist out on a little joyride, are you?"

"I would be, but some big-brained-buffoon has stalled my engine. What're you using now? Electric waves? Radioactive lazer beams?" I brought the backs of my hands up to my temples and wiggled my gloved fingers about "Mind voodoo?"

Before Eddie could get one of his smart ass answers in, Harley interrupted.

"How...?" She asked Ed.

"How what? How did I know your name? Know that you are Joker's therapist?" She nodded and swallowed hard.


"Simple, really. You've still got your Arkham Asylum badge on. It's got your picture and name. Also, I watch the news and read the paper. You're famous, honey." Ed rolls his eyes and Harley looks at the badge clipped to her shirt. "And besides, a face like yours is one that I wouldn't soon forget."

I tipped my head to the side, looking at Eddie with a severe expression, letting him know that an attempt at trying to talk to Harley about the past would be the last words out of his mouth.

"Oh my... You're the weirdo with the question marks all over his suit from the bar, the one who is Selina's old friend!" Harley exclaimed.

"Yes, and you're the bossy friend who ripped me out of a delightful lip lock with the little vixen."

"Oh my god. No way! You actually took my advise? That never happens!" I burst out. Much earlier today, when I called Eddie for help with the security system, he was whining about how his latest attempt at wooing Pammy went horribly awry. Something about a dozen cut roses in a bouquet really bugged her. Crazy-ass plant lady.

"I went to the bar to drink away my sorrows, when Selina approached me. She was hammered, as she usually is when it's Friday night, and it just kinda happened. Then this little bombshell blonde comes over and breaks it up, telling me that Selina's got a boyfriend. Not messing with that." Eddie shook his head.

"Yeah, her boyfriend is Bruce Wayne." Harley added in matter-of-fact sort of tone.

"Fuck!" Ed exclaimed, making Harley jump. "No kidding?" He ran his hands through his short brown hair, a manic sort of cheek splitting grin appearing on his face.

"No kidding... Why does that matter?"

"I've been testing a little theory about that man, and this will be my perfect opportunity! Hell to the yes!" He yelled, pulling his head out of the car and pumping his fists in the air.

"That's fantastic, Ed. But why exactly are you here right now? What do you want?" I ask impatiently.

"Oh, that. Riddle me this my dearest pal- a certain freak who's name rhymes with fat-can has been tailing me for the past two hours I wanted a distraction from my impending capture." Eddie grinned as I subdued the urge to murder him in a slow and tortuous manner.

"Harley." I half growled.

"Yes." She said looking at me with what I categorized as therapeutic concern. Damn therapists.

"You better drive now, unless you honestly want Bats to catch you in the drivers seat of a mass murders car, talking to him casually while another notorious villain is leaning in the window plotting with first mentioned villain, while you sit calmly participating."

"Yeah... That probably won't look very good. Would it?" Harley asks meekly.

"Okay, okay. I know that face, you look like you're going to murder me. I think it's time for me to go! Goodbye BFF!" BFF. Psh.

Ed backed away from the door, picking up his his cane with a bowler hat hung on top of it.
The window suddenly rolled up, and the engine roared.

"Okay, Harley, you pull on that little stick-"

"I suddenly remember how to drive one of these." Harley says clutching the stick, jamming it into first gear and slamming her foot down on the gas.

+Bruce Wayne/Batman+

After dealing with the Jack Ryder and Joker on the roof of Wayne enterprises having a row with each other, I had more problems to deal with, how i had ever expected anything else escapes me. Alfred said that it was some completely random line of computer code that allowed access to the rooftop. I knew who it was instantly.

This wouldn't have been the first time Edward Nygma and the Joker had worked together, but it was the first time I was successfully able to track down Riddler and let him lead me straight to Joker.

As I sat, perched atop- what I presumed was Joker'a latest hideaway- I strained to listen to the conversation going on below me. It sounded like it was between joker, riddler, and a female voice that I couldn't place.
While listening, I felt myself jump a little bit when the low murmurs stopped after Riddler suddenly exclaimed "Fuck!", then stuck his head further into the car and pulled completely out and pumped his fists in the air, and went back in murmuring back again to Joker.
Less than a minute later Riddler was backing away from the driver's seat just in time- as the long electric yellow BMW revved its engine and sped off, easily making it from zero to seventy in half of a second.

Swooping down to the ground I landed some feet away from where Riddler stood, twirling his hat on his cane.


"Oh! Hello Batman! Just the man I wanted to see!" He said, skipping casually over to me.

"You knew..."

"Of course I did. You think that you're all sneaky sneaky but you're really not." He says wagging his finger at me.

"What-" I start.

"-do I want? Oh nothing. I just want to talk to you." I really hate when he does that.

"Talk. Right." More like spew out riddles and watch as I try to solve them.

"I'm not going to give you a whole set of riddles to solve, if that's what you're thinking. I just want to ask you two questions; followed by an apology."

"Proceed..." I say apprehensively.

"Are you Bruce Wayne?"

"Of course not." This answer was natural. Don't let the villains know who you are. Ever.

Riddler quirks an eyebrow. "Why are your eyes blue like his?"

"Blue is a very common eye color, you know." I say sardonically.

He shrugs. "Sorry Batman, but... I made out with Selina Kyle."

Without realizing it, I had pinned Edward Nygma against the side of the warehouse.

"You did what now?"  

"I just proved who you are, Batman. You're Bruce Wayne."

"N-no I'm not."

"Yes you are. Don't deny it. And don't worry, I won't teeeell."

"That's what you villain folk do, just tell."

"I'm not like any other villain, am I?" He says paying my cheek" "If I told... Then it would never be able to hold it over the others' heads. Understand?"

"I suppo-" Then I feel thousands of volts of electricity shoot through my body; starting from my right jaw and traveling all through my body.

"Goodnight Brucey! I simply cannot let you take me away. I have much more to do tonight."

And I was out like a light.


"Aw, c'mon Harley! That was a good song!"

"Joker, no. That was Starships by Nicki Minaj. Not- a- good- song."

"You have no taste in music!"

"I do. That's why I don't like this!" Harley whines at me.

"Fine. How about we plug in this-" I pull out an iPhone with a bedazzled zebra case on it. "- and listen to whatever comes on. Okay?"

Harley clenched the steering wheel and nodded her head. Jeez... Someone's pissy today.

And that's when the car died again.

"God damn you Eddie!"

"What's going on?"

That's when Eddie's voice came on through the radio station.

"Okay, guys, I need a ride. So just drive back to pier 48 and we'll be good." I rolled my eyes at Ed's tone of complete elation. People shouldn't be allowed to be that happy.

"How're we supposed to come back and get you if the car is stalled?" I say, getting exceedingly annoyed with Ed.

The car hummus to life, "Just turn around." And as soon as his voice is there; it's gone and replaced with some boy-band song that sounds like it was written by throwing a piano downstairs.

"Should I-" Harley starts.

"Yes. Just do as he says. We aren't going to get rid of him if we don't."

%Harley Quinn%

As I drive, I silently revel in how much I liked the how Joker said we. It was almost like I felt normal again.

Which was exceedingly strange because; I was cheuffering around a mass murderer who was carrying more than twenty-five knives, we were about to go and pick up another villain to cart around- regardless that we were in a car that only seated two people-, while listening to One Direction, and I'm pretty sure there were a few dead bodies in the trunk... And I was totally,
With it all.
Question: Mature content? Maybe? I can't even remember how bad this one is. I'm pretty sure there's no gore- but basically read at your own risk. I will add/remove mature content in my February editing month.

Before- [link]


I can't say much because I am actually multi tasking right now- I have EIGHT CHAPTERS to work on!

Love you guys!

Comment if you feel the need- I love reading your feedback, BUT if you're outwardly rude I will not hesitate to report your butt :)

Clair H
Add a Comment:
KnivesAndPensBVB Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
love this story when will the next chapter be out?
Joker8D Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Outwardly rude...I'll assume you remember just WHO is reading this and let it slide. Now...Who is this man climbing Gotham's warehouses in hockey pants and a cape? He isn't Batman, that's for damn sure...
zombiebear136 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013
Love itXD awesome work
bunny1o Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Haha, Starships, One Direction! Funny XD
Well, AMAZING always...!! Can't wait to read more!
And plus, while you were gone, I uploaded a ton of chapters to my story; The New Harlequin, so if u want u can check those out!
And please Watch!
bitchvampire93 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Sweetness! Sad it wasnt longer. really love this story :3
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Nice new chapter
Add a Comment:

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